Fleeting Shadow: The Importance of Listening

Shortly after I got married and moved to my new farm with my husband, in the summer of 2002, I got involved with volunteering at the local therapeutic riding center.   Since I am legally blind, I couldn't be a horse leader, but I could be a side walker.   I enjoyed working with the little kids and saw how well the instructor worked with them.

The instructor and I started talking one day and she realized that I rode and asked if I wanted to start riding with her.   I agreed and so started riding a few months later at the center.   Quickly, she saw something in my riding ability and got excited.   She started talking about the state show the following October and preparing me to be good enough for the Para-Olympics in dressage.  I think she saw visions of me helping put her little center's name on the map, so to speak.

Now, from the lessons Bunny had taught me, a few years before, riding was now something I considered a bonus or a perk to horses, it was no longer my main reason for loving them.   Yes, I loved to ride, but I also had learned that I loved working with mares and foals and I was really good at it.   I tried to explain all this to the instructor and at first, I thought she understood what I was saying.

I will admit that I got excited about the possibilities of having an amateur riding career and riding at the Para-Olympic level or even trying to get there.   But, still, it was not a huge goal for me, though I thought it would be fun to try to see how far I could get.

I had a Thoroughbred gelding, Baron, who I had bred, who was now in training and I was excited about riding him in shows, in the future.   But my riding instructor, who had never laid eyes on him declaired him "not the right horse for me."    She kept calling me a green rider, though I had been riding for 15 years, graduated college with an Equine Science Degree, which had included professional riding instruction from a highly respected instructor in the country, and a lot more other riding and training experience.  I was no green rider, that's for sure.  

I soon realized, what it was all about, she didn't want to wait on a green horse to be slowly brought along properly for me to ride, she wanted me to progress fast through the show ranks and a green horse, to her, would not allow this.  So, before even seing Baron, she had developed a major dislike for him.   Even when I'd report to her on my visits to the trainer's farm and let her know how my rides went, she would not seem interested or have something negative to say.

I tried to explain to her that I had waited my whole life to get to ride my own horse in a show, instead of school horses, but she would not listen.

Since I was getting more involved in breeding, I always kept my eyes out for a good broodmare prospect and one day I found one.  To my delight, not only did she fit my pony breeding program, but she had been trained in dressage and was Half Hanoverian, one of the breeds known for being good at dressage.

Margaux was affectinately known as "Shadow" and she arrived at Perfect Peace Farm in August 2003.   I immediately started to work on building a bond with my new mare and started riding her about a week or so after she arrived.   The upcoming state therapeutic riding show was in early October and I was hoping I could ride my new mare in the show.

From the get go, Shadow did not measure up to my riding instructor's benchmark, just like Baron wasn't, even though she still had not seen him.   I worked hard on my bonding with Shadow and we were making great progress.   She could be a little high strung, but I was learning how to calm her down and contain it.   I was then given the layout of the two dressage tests I'd be taking at the show and started working on them at home, with Shadow, and in lessons with a small Quarter Horse mare, that the instructor was borrowing.   I much preferred Shadow, she was more responsive, especially to leg aids and my gentle hand movements.   It was so wonderful to ride her, we were becoming a great team.

As the show weekend approached, I finally got my riding instructor to agree to let me take Shadow, but she kept complaining that Shadow was "passive agressive" and other things.   I could tell that the two of them did not get along.

When we arrived at the Lexington Horse Center for the Virginia State Therapeutic Riding Show Shadow was in flaming heat that Friday afternoon.   I wanted to take Shadow out and walk her, but my riding instructor disagreed and Shadow was put in her stall and kept there.

Shadow was used to being kept out all the time, except for bad weather, so this was not fair to my mare.

On Saturday morning I asked again if I could take Shadow out and maybe lunge her, to let her blow off some steam, but my riding instructor disagreed, again, and said that she thought the more Shadow was worked the more hyper she got, but this was actually opposite of the truth, but she refused to listen to me.

So, with no warm up whatsoever I tacked Shadow up and we headed to the ring for our first test, the Dressage Suitability Test.

Luckily, Shadow was being good, but I could tell that there was a powder keg under me, but she was so good and listened so well.

We entered the ring, turned to the left, had to weave around 3 cones, my riding instructor was allowed to call out obstacles to me via a headset I was wearing and she could tell me the letters of the arena.   We worked it out where she would tell me I was three strides from something, but that is all she was allowed to tell me.    We weaved those cones flawlessly, returned to the rail, to the end of the arena, and at the mid point of the short end we had to do a 20 meter walking circle, which we also did flawlessly.   Returning to the rail as I started down the next long side of the arena, I picked up a sitting trot and Shadow was so gorgeous and smooth at it and when I called for a halt from the sitting trot, at the letter we were supposed to and the only thing we did wrong was she halted ever so slightly crooked.   We then waited the 5 seconds and walked out of the ring.

To my delight we won that class with a huge high score of 80! 

We turned so many heads.  I was getting one compliment after another on Shadow and so was my instructor.   All the people there were from other therapeutic riding centers and when they found out Shadow was my private horse they were even more impressed and complimentary.   They said she was gorgeous, a superb mover, and so on.

I was really getting excited about my next test, later that afternoon, but as I exited the ring, i again tried to tell my riding instructor that Shadow needed to be lunged, but, yet again, she wouldn't let me.   

In between my two dressage classes was a fun class and I went in it and Shadow was starting to get worked up.   Unfortunately, the class was not judged, I had no idea, it wouldn't be, otherwise I wouldn't have done it.   Again, as I exited the ring, I asked if Shadow could now be lunged, as she was getting anxious.   And, as usual, my riding instructor said no.   I was starting to get a bit upset about this and telling my husband that I thought Shadow really needed to blow off some steam and I was afraid of what might happen if we didn't let her.

Well, a little while later it was time for my final class, my true dressage test.   As I sat on Shadow waiting our turn, my riding instructor stood at Shadow's head and Shadow was shifting her weight all over, not wanting to stand still.   My riding instructor started to make comments and I said, "I think she needs to be lunged or I need to take her to the outdoor ring to let her trot some of this off." 

"No!  She'll just get more worked up."  Was the response.

About 5 minutes later, Shadow was really about to explode and my riding instructor finally realized what I had under me.   But instead of letting me go quickly lunge or ride in the outdoor ring for a few minutes, she just scratched us from the class.   I was so upset and disapointed.

As we walked away from the indoor ring, then my riding instructor agreed to let me take Shadow down to the outdoor ring.   I started to ride her in a big circle and my riding instructor got afraid and had me dismount and lead Shadow back to the barn.

I was so upset, after this, that I couldn't take Shadow for a walk, but I untacked her and gave the lead to my husband and told him that I didn't care what my riding instructor thought, he was going to take Shadow for a walk and let her hand graze if he could find her some grass.

The day had started out so promising and ended in such disapointment.   I told my instructor that if we'd lunged Shadow she would have been fine, but she still adamantly disagreed.    She claimed I didn't know Shadow well enough.   But all I could think was, "And you know her better?"   I mean, Shadow was at my farm, I'd dealt with her every single day since she had arrived and my riding instructor had only seen her a handful of times.   Plus, I had several very long conversations with Shadow's previous owner on how to handle her, what she did when at shows, etc, but my instructor just didn't seem to care what I thought or had to say.

I was starting to get the feeling from my riding instructor that just because she was my riding instructor she knew more than I did on everything.   She had earlier told me I shouldn't breed Bunny or some of my other mares, that there just couldn't possibly be a market for their foals.  Boy, was she ever wrong!

I also don't know if it was my blindness that made her think she knew more or it somehow gave her the right to say these things.   I really hate it when people treat me like I'm stupid, just because I can't see very well, and that is really how I was starting to feel about this relationship.

I also think it is people that are older thinking they know more than someone younger, just because of age.   I have learned a lot from people younger than myself and I refuse to believe this.   Yes, there is a lot to be learned from people older than myself, too, but for them to treat younger people as if they know nothing, it is just not right.

So, we returned home and a few days later Baron was brought home from the trainers.   I was so excited to have him home.  I had gone to ride him at the trainer's farm, several times, and he was wonderful for me, a dream horse.   So, now I had two horses I could ride, at home.

I gave Shadow a few days to blow off some steam in the field, before I attempted to get back on her, as I just knew she was ticked off about what happened and she wouldn't know that it wasn't my fault.

Well, I was riding her in my small paddock and I could feel she was getting a little worked up, then Baron trotted around the corner of the barn and came over to the fence line, so he could get a look from his adjacent paddock.  Shadow took that as enough stimulation to go into a bucking fit.   I had called for Gordon to come help me get off, but he was too far away and so I didn't move quick enough to get off, myself, and off across the paddock bucking as hard as she could, Shadow took me.   I kicked my feet out of the stirrups and then tried to push myself clear, as she was not going to stop.   I did a flip in the air and landed hard on the back of my shoulders.  

At first, I felt okay, but the soreness came later.   To this day, I do not blame Shadow for this incident.   She was ticked off about the show experience and I don't blame her.   It was the only time I ever felt her buck and only time I ever came off her.

A few days after that I had my riding lesson and I had to beg for the lady to come to my farm.  I told her that I have two horses to ride and I want to ride them.   Plus, I told her she needed to meet Baron and I said I'd ride him in the lesson, so she could get a look at him and really see what he was made of and how nice he really was.  

From the moment she walked into the barn, she was obviously not happy about me wanting a lesson on one of my own horses.   She stood outside of the barn and smoked a cigarette, while I tacked Baron up.   Then I led him out to the small paddock where I rode.

As I went to mount him, instead of helping me, she just stood on his opposite side and when I swung my right leg over his back he took two steps forward.   Did she try to help me stop him?  Of course not.   Because my back hurt from the fall off of Shadow, I was not able to move fast enough, like I normally would have been able to do, easily, so instead of landing in the saddle, I landed just behind it.   Still, there was no help from the riding instructor.   Baron kept walking, once he felt me in the wrong spot, I think he was a little shocked, but being a good boy, he did not buck.   I slid off of him and landing on my right hip and right elbow.   Baron then looked behind him to make sure I was clear and trotted off a few feet, before turning and stopping to see if I was okay.

Now, my riding instructor immediatley starts telling me, "I told you so." and such and I just wanted her to be quiet.

Just like with Shadow, I do not blame Baron at all for this incident.  He was only 4 years old, had about 4 months of training under saddle and I was very sore and stiff from my fall off of Shadow.   Had I not been, I know I would have been able to mount properly.   Yes, my riding instructor was aware I was sore, which is why I was surprised she didn't help me when he started to take a step or two.

My back was even more sore from that fall and so, I reluctantly agreed to go ride one of her lesson horses the next week.   Well, she decided to have me do some stretches and during one of those I felt this sharp excruciating pain in my back, so bad, that I had to dismount.

After I recovered and took the horse back to the barn, untacked her, groomed her, etc my riding instructor and I started to talk.    Again, I tried to tell her that I'd waited for a long time to get to ride my own horses and not lesson horses and that I thought my two would take me further than what she had in the barn.   She agreed, to that little part, but wasn't willing to wait for Baron to finish training, wasn't willing to deal with Shadow's temperment, and just kept claiming someone would give her a horse that was suitable, if I was good enough.   It was really obvious she had her own agenda and was trying to use my talent as a blind rider to promote her riding center, it didn't matter to her what I wanted.

I then reminded her that my main focus was breeding, riding came second.   She honestly turned to me and said, "No, your marriage should come first."   I had no response to that.   I mean, we had been talking horses, right?   There was nothing wrong with my marriage and of course it came before horses, but that is not what we were talking about.   She then started trashing my breeding practices, again, and I left, and never returned.

I have only ridden a few times since I stopped riding with this instructor in October 2003.   Do I miss it?   Yes, but there are so many more important things in my life than riding, horse related and non-horse related.   So, my riding career has taken a major backseat.

Yes, I wonder what might have been, how far I could have gone, and it saddens me that this woman just refused to listen to a fellow adult, with a fully functioning brain, and treat me as a normal person who did know what I was talking about  when it came to my own horses and what I wanted to do with my horses and my riding career.

She continues to work and have a therapeutic riding center and I commend her work with the children, she is wonderful with them, but just wasn't with an adult.  

Maybe one day I'll start riding again and find an instructor willing to work more with me and listen to my goals, my wants, where I want to go with my riding and how I want to get there, and they can help me do what it is I'm wanting to do and work with me, not against me.

A Full Circle

When I was 7 years old I went to Camp Holiday Trails, for the first time.   It was a camp for disabled and sick children.   The issues ranged from other kids being blind, like myself, to children with Cystic Fibrosis, Diabetes, various forms of cancer, etc.

I had recently seen a show on TV called "Adventures of Black Beauty", loosely based on the novel, "Black Beauty".   I had fallen in love with horses from the first time I saw him running across a green field on the television screen, at my Grandparents house.   To this very day, I can still picture it in my mind.

When I arrived at camp, I was delighted to discover that they offered horseback riding to the campers.   i couldn't wait for my very first ride on a horse, which didn't come for a few days.   When it finally was my turn to go down to the stables, I walked down the row of stalls and petted each horse and stopped when I arrived at the stall of a beautiful black horse with a small white star.   I couldn't believe it, I was looking at horse that was the spitting image of "Black Beauty".

A few minutes later the riding instructor gave out horse assignments and I was overwhelmed to find out that I was about to ride Smokey, the black Quarter Horse gelding, that I was staring at.   he was only a 2 year old, but was quiet enough to be used by this program.

His owner tacked him up, as he was privately owned, and not owned by the camp, like the rest of the horses.  She told me a little about him and before I knew it I was following them to the small riding ring and after I got a helmet, I was put onto his back.

The riding ring had a blue stone type footing around the outside, making a nice sized oval, and to the inside of that was a grassy area with one tree, to provide shade to those kids who were waiting their turn to ride.

I rode Smokey for at least 10 minutes, when he suddenly stopped and stretched out his hind legs.   The riding instructor called for me to be taken off of him, as they didn't want me on him, if he needed to use the bathroom, since it was my first time on a horse and he was still young.

Just to be safe, he was taken back to the barn and untacked and that was the end of my first ride.

The next week, I went back down to the riding stable and this time I was assigned Sir Edwards, a little grey Welsh Pony, who was the spitting image of Merrylegs, from the "Black Beauty" novel.

It was really hot, so all the horses and ponies were tacked up and we were all put on one and with each of us having at least one leader, holding the horse or pony, we went for a trail ride down the country road, that led up the mountain to the camp, where the cabins were, so there was hardly any traffic, in fact, I think only one truck went by the whole time we rode.

I loved that little pony, he was so awesome!  He was at least 28 years old, I think, at that time.

I returned to Camp Holiday trails for the next two years and each year I got to ride Sir Edwards, but Smokey had left the program.   I rode several others, along with Sir Edwards, but I always got at least one ride on him.

After I was 9, I stopped going to camp, not sure why that happened, but I missed it.

When I was 18, I was offered the opportunity to return to Camp Holiday Trails for the week long camp for blind children, as a teen worker.  I arrived on Saturday afternoon, with the other camp counsellors and teen workers, which there were about 10 to 12 of us.   The teen workers were to stay in the infirmary complex on cots.

As we drove onto the country road that led to the camp, I was delighted to see horses still in the pasture and hoped they still offered riding.   I knew I would not be riding, as I was a worker, but I was hoping to get to help with the horses, at least a little bit.

I was given permission to go down to the stables on Monday morning, with the campers and see if they could use my help.   I was again, delighted to see the riding instructor, who had been there when I was a child, was still there and she actually remember me.  

Because of my horse experience, she gratefully accepted my help and I was assigned a little Shetland Pony named Princess, to groom, tack up, and help children with, when they rode her.

She was a cute little pony, a bay and white pinto, about 12 hands, at most, and reportedly 33 years old.  

I asked about Sir Edwards, and was told that he lived to be 36 years old and had died only a few years before.

After I tacked up Princess, I led her to the very same riding ring and waited in line for the instructor to get the kids mounted, one at a time.  There were a lot of children, so two kids would take turns on each horse or pony.

The first kid I was given to help with Princess, was not only blind, but only had one arm.  I think he could see a little bit.   He was so excited to ride Princess and truly enjoyed his time on her.

After his time was up, he was helped off and I went to get the next child.   As I approached, with Princess, I could hear that the little boy was upset and afraid.   They were trying to get him on another pony, but he totally refused, so I was called over, as Princess was the smallest in the group and they thought he might be less afraif of her.

I stopped Princess in the shade of the tree and listened for a few minutes, as they continued to try to coax this little boy, who was totally blind, to even come close enough to touch Princess, but he refused.   I asked someone else to hold Princess for me and I walked over to him.   I introduced myself and then told him that I was blind, too, only with some vision, but not very much.   I told him that I loved horses and that Princess was very gentle and would not hurt him.

I am not sure what it was, exactly, that I told him, that made him trust me, but before i knew it, I had his hand and we were walking towards Princess.   I introduced him to her, at her head, then we trailed her neck, back, and to her tail, so he could get an idea of how big she was and what she felt like.

After a few minutes of getting to feel Princess, he decided it was okay to get on her, but insisted that I be there with him.   I told him that I would lead Princess for him and all he had to do was enjoy the ride.

As we headed out to the rail, after his stirruprs were adjusted, I glanced over my shoulder and noticed he was hunched over and his head was down.  I knew it was from nerves.   I started to talk to him some more about Princess and he talked back with me, but he stayed hunched.   Then I had an idea.   I moved to a place where I could stop Princess, safely, and not be in the way of others.   I held onto the reins and then stood next to him.   I told him, "I want you to not focus on being nervous, but start to feel her moving under you.  See if you can tell when she is moving each of her legs."   I explained to him that at a walk, a horse moves each foot at a different time, to make a 4 beat rythm.   He agreed to try and so I started to walk Princess, again.   I kept talking to him and asking him to feel for her legs to move and then I realized his voice sounded different.   I again, glanced over my shoulder and was amazed to see him sitting straight up in the saddle, his face turned upwards, and even with my limited eyesight, I could see the biggest smile on that little boys face. 

It felt so wonderful to help him.  A joy filled me.   As we continued to walk around the ring his confidence built.   There was a pole on the ground and I asked him if he would like me to lead Princess over it, to see if he could tell when she was going over it.  He agreed to this and knew exactly when her leg moved differently to raise up higher, to step over the pole.   he was so excited, I could tell it in his voice, that he was truly enjoying his first experience on a pony.

I was amazed at how things had come full circle.  I had been given my first horse experience at this camp, in that very ring, and now here I was helping a little blind boy have his and overcome his fears, to experience something totally new and different.

The limitations put on blind children, by some, cause them to be nervous about trying new things, but some of us are lucky and are not told, "You can't do that."  or "You shouldn't do that." with the only reason being our blindness.   Yes, I've heard these things, but not from those who matter and had influence on me and my development as a strong person.  Some call me brave, courageous, and other descriptive words, because of what I have done in my life, despite my disability, but I just see it as I am doing what comes naturally to me.   God gave me a gift with horses and I am using it and God allowed me to help a blind child and to experience the joy that came with it.

The Wild Thoroughbred

From the time of her birth, Goldie was hardly ever touched by a human.  Sure, her owners fed her and her dam, along with her two older half sisters, but no handling was ever done.  She was allowed to live like she was a wild Mustang, instead of a Thoroughbred with a possible racing future.  In the late spring of her yearling year, Goldie's life changed, when she met me.

I was working on a ranch in Texas, where Goldie's sire stood at stud.  Goldie's owners wanted her dam to be bred back to Goldie's sire, so we took the horse trailer to go pick up Goldie's dam.   The owners also decided that we should take Goldie and her older half sisters, too.   They were in desperate need of farrier care and some handling. 

It took over an hour to get the 4 of them loaded onto the trailer.  The older sisters had some handling, but not a lot.  Just enough that a halter was able to be put on them and they would lead a little bit, but not great.  We loaded the older sisters first, then Goldie's dam, and Goldie had to be herded onto the trailer.

Despite what her name may be, she was not gold in color, actually almost a dark bay, with only a hint of red to her coat.  I don't think she even had any white markings, maybe a tiny star, but I don't remember, for sure.

Once back at the ranch, it was my job to start teaching Goldie about humans and start her early training.   Since I had some experience with Mustangs, I decided to treat her similar to how I had been successful with them.

Goldie was put in the barn, if you can call it that, as it was more of a 3 sided building with 4 foot high panels on the front.  You could open them up and give the horses a small run area.   Her area was usually kept open and it measured about 16 x 32 feet, at most.

I would stand by her feed bucket as she ate, so she would get used to my scent and me being present while she ate.  At first, I did this from the other side of the metal panel, and when she had accepted me being there, I would then stand beside the bucket, but on the same side of the panel as she was on, so I was now in her space.  I wanted her to get used to me being there, my smell, my voice, my movements, etc.

Once she became more relaxed about that, I started to hold the bucket and have her come to me to eat.   She could only eat if she came to me and stuck her head into the bucket I was holding.   This took a few days, but soon she caught on and started to accept this, so then I moved to the next step, which was trying to touch her.

At first, every time my hand moved towards her, no matter how slowly, she would jump away and run to the back of the pen.  But, she'd soon come back, hunger for the grain winning over her fear of me.  

A few more days passed and I was soon petting her gently on the head.   So, i then hung the bucket back up on the panel and stood next to it, again, as she ate, this time I had both hands free to try and touch her.  First just her head, then her neck, then her shoulder, each day a little further.

Everyday we made slow progress in where I could touch her and pet her gently.  When I'd try to go a bit further, she'd still wheel and run to the back of the pen.  I never feared her kicking me, even though I am pretty sure she was kicking out in my direction, as she ran away, but something told me that she was not mean, and would not intentionally hurt me.

We were making great progress and I added a halter to the top of the feed bucket, for her to stick her nose through, in order to eat.   This did spook her quite a bit and the next thing I knew the ranch owner was running out of the house and yelling at me that I was doing this all wrong and I was going to get hurt.   So, she decided to take matters into her own hands and show me, what she considered, the "right way" to deal with a wild horse was.

I had spent weeks building up a relationship with Goldie and my heart sank as this woman returned with a lunge whip.  She entered the pen with Goldie and all I could do was stand by and hope and pray she would not undo all my hard work to gain Goldie's trust.

A common practice, which I was aware of before this woman decided to show me, is to use a whip as an extension of your arm, but since I am legally blind, this actually is more dangerous for me, then the way I was doing it.  I do not like using whips, unless I have to.

This woman reached out and started touching Goldie with the end of the whip and GOldie completely flipped out.  She was racing around the small pen trying to find a way to escape, but there was no way out.  Goldie was scared out of her mind as this woman insisted on continueing to touch Goldie.   This went on for what seemed like hours, but was maybe 45 minutes.   Goldie never accepting the lunge whip touching her.  I was almost in tears knowing how scared Goldie must have been.   She had only known my kind hands and now a whip was being flung at her, she was hit with it, several times, it wasn't just used as an extension of a calm hand.

We left Goldie to settle down and I had to listen to this woman tell me that I had to do the same thing the next day.  That my way was taking too long and she thought I was going to get hurt.

But in my way, Goldie never raced around the pen frantically looking for a way out.  For me, with my vision, that is way more dangerous than me standing calmly at one end of the pen, just trying to calmly touch her as she ate, and if she needed a break from me, she could just go to the back of the pen and I would let her have her moment and then she would always return to me.

The next day I tried to stand by the bucket, like I had done all those days, even weeks, before, but Goldie would not have any part of me.   I started to cry, I couldn't help it.  I told her how sorry I was, but that the lady was my boss and I had no say.

I quit that job about a week later, never regaining Goldie's confidence.   I had other reasons, not just the Goldie experience for leaving this job, but it was part of it.  I think the main theme of the difficulty is the lady's insistance that her way was the only right way and that any variation of that was wrong and dangerous.   I tried to explain that I had to do things differently, sometimes, due to my eyesight, but like many others, she just didn't understand or want to understand, she was stubborn in her thinking and not willing to believe that there could be more than one right way to do something.

Experiences like what I went through with Goldie leave me wondering why do people insist on their way always being the right way and the quick way being better than a slow way?   I will never understand people like this.   I need to do things a bit differently, because of my vision, this doesn't make it wrong, it just is what works for me and I still get great results.   I have never been seriously hurt by a horse, but if I do get hurt, it happens to sighted people all the time, it won't be due to my vision or my techniques.

I had been very successful with the Mustangs I had worked with, see my post on "The Mustangs of Hawkeye Hill", for more details, and I know that if Goldie and I had been left alone, just a little bit longer, I would have had that halter on her, had her leading, had her loading on a trailer, accepting tack, and eventually a rider.

Someone else was brought in to work with Goldie, after I left, and I don't know all the details, but she was eventually broke to ride, but I don't think she ever made it to the track.   A shame, as she was a nice filly, just was never given the chance from the start.

Selling Mayo

In early 2001 things were going really well, Baron was healing from his leg injury, my job was going well, and I was in a new relationship that a lot of promise.   But, how quickly things changed on me again.

One morning as I was getting ready for work the phone rang and it was the vet that I worked for.  She was telling me not to show up to work, that she was letting me go.   She claimed that business wasn't going well and that she had to let the last person she hired go, but that was a flat out lie, as she had hired at least 3 others after me.   I may be blind, but I am not stupid, I was being let go because of my eyesight.   I had it happen before, but that didn't make it any easier.   I was devistated, as I loved that job.   A friend of mine who worked with me, also believed I was the one she let go, because of my vision.   Unfortunately, there isn't much that can be done, complaining to the EEOC usually gets you no where, the case in both times I've contacted them over workplace descrimination.

So, witht he loss of my job, I found myself living off of unemployment and everywhere I put in a resume, if they saw me, saw that I was blind, I never got a call.

I was quickly faced with a very hard decision, I could not afford three horses any longer.   I did a budget and figured I could afford two of them, but just not three.

I had Bunny, my first horse, an Anglo-Arabian mare, who was 18 years old at the time.  She had been abused, making her pretty much unrideable, plus she was so special to me, teaching me that it was horses I loved and not just riding, that I could not sell her.   I couldn't risk her going to a person that might misunderstand her behaviors and that might lead her to further abuse.   So, I know I was keeping her for the rest of her life.

Then there was Baron, my 2 year old Thoroughbred gelding, who from all he'd been through in his short life, was very small for his age and had a horrible scar on his front right leg, from the injury he'd suffered the previous fall.   From all he'd been through, I had grown very attached to him.   Though I may have bred his dam with the intentions of selling the foal, I could not bring myself to sell the little guy, he was also just too special to me.

So, that left Baron's dam, Mayo Lane, my 9 year old Thoroughbred mare.   She was the only rideable one of the group, but she was still quite green.   I had tried to work with her, but only being able to get to the boarding stable once every other week, it was very hard to progress her training.   I did my best, though and worked with her either in the round pen or int he small paddock, where I could ride her.

I started advertising her for sale.   She is a very muscular mare, built like a Quarter Horse, instead of a Thoroughbred.   I believe this is coming from two places, she is a granddaughter of Northern Baby, a son of Northern Dancer, who could pass on small and stocky to some lines, plus she is inbred 4 x 4 to Round Table.   For those who don't know what this means, it means she carries the horse Round Table in her 4th generation on both sides of her pedigree.   Her sire's sire, Northern Baby, is out of a mare by Round Table, and her 2nd dam (mother's mother), is sired by a stallion named Poker, who is by Round Table.   Round Table was an extremely good racehorse in the 1950's.   I loved studying Mayo's pedigree, so much history.

I advertised Mayo as a riding prospect, but also as a broodmare, due to her pedigree and the fact that Baron was a very nice young horse, despite his small size, which wasn't Mayo's fault, but Baron's circumstances.

I didn't get a lot of interest, but in April it seemed like everyone was starting to suddenly look for a new horse.

Quite a few wanted to ride her, so my boyfriend, tried to help me get out to the barn more often, so I could ride Mayo.  One day I was trying to ride her in one of the field's, where I had a single jump set up.  I couldn't use the round pen or small paddock or even the riding arena, as there were horses turned out in each of those areas, so I had no choice.   I really didn't think much about it.   Mayo could be strong and yes, she had run off with me, but that had been years before.   So, I lunged her, then got on, and we warmed up, she was doing just fine, listening, being really good, doing all I asked of her, so we started to jump.   She was doing really well with the lower jump, so I had my boyfriend, Gordon, set up the jump to about 2 feet.   We then cantered a circle and then headed towards the jump.  About a stride out, I felt something totally different underneath me, I felt her coiling up and preparing for an explosion.  I grabbed her mane, tightened up on the reins as best I could, but there was no time to stop her before the jump, so I had no choice but to just brace myself for what she was about to do.    She turned that 2 foot jump into about a 4 foot jump, catapolting us through the air.   As soon as she landed on the downside of the jump, she hit that ground running at full speed.   I put both hands on the left rein and pulled as hard as I could, as she had grabbed the bit in her teeth.   I put all I could into that one rein and tried to get her to circle.   Thankfully it worked, it took a few large and very high speed circles before I felt like I had some kind of control.   Slowly the circles got smaller and slower and finally I got her to stop.   I jumped off, my legs shaking, from the adrenalin that was flowing through my body. 

Gordon, who had only been riding for about 6 months, at the time, raced to me and hugged me, to make sure I was okay.   I was fine, of course, but I know seeing me being taken off with like that was hard on him.  Thankfully, that bolting incident didn't turn out like the first time she did that with me, but part of that was due to the fact that she wasn't bucking this time, as she bolted.

With that incident and our past, I knew she really needed to go to someone with a whole lot of experience or as a broodmare, she was just not going to be safe for even an intermediate rider, unless they had a whole lot of help.

As the calls and emails picked up, it was hard to tell who was the most serious, but I had two that I thought were serious at the same time.   One lived out west and the other just a few hours away.

The one from out west wanted her as a broodmare, the other people wanted her to ride and show.   Whent he people a few hours away heard that there was someone else who was serious, they rushed out a few days later.   It was a Saturday morning and it was a married couple.   The wife was extremely experienced and the husband was an intermediate, but a high one, I was told.   The wife rode Mayo first, then her husband.  They loved her and made me an offer.   Because she was going to be closer and I thought these people were telling the truth about their experience, and they seemed to be from what I was witnessing, I agreed to sell Mayo to them.   They came the next day to pick her up.

The lady from out west was really mad, but what could I do, I had this offer and she hadn't set up a vet check, yet, as she had said she wanted a reproduction exam done on Mayo before she'd buy her.

So, off Mayo went to her new home, the people promising to keep in touch and listen to the instructions that I had given about her quirks, one of which was, at the time, she could not be bridled and tied at the same time.   You could not just leave the halter hanging from her neck with the lead rope or cross ties attached to it, while bridling her, it upset her for some strange reason, but if you didn't have her tied and bridled her, she was fine.

Well, I get an email a few days later and they are already trying to ride her.  I had told them they should give her at least a week to settle in and get used to them, but this was the first sign that they were not going to follow instructions and listen to my experience with Mayo and just thought they knew more.   But, as she was now their horse, there was nothing I could do but just offer support and suggestions as issues arose, and they did quickly.

Instead of bolting, she started to freeze up and refuse to move.   Then I get a call, not 10 days after they had her home, that the guy had tried to bridle her in the cross ties and Mayo had flipped out.  She reared and since they used bunji cords as cross ties, she was able to spin around getting one bunji cord around her neck and the other up under the saddle.   Luckily, at this point Mayo's intellegence kicked in and she stood still for them to help her.   But at this point, the people already were done with her and wanted me to buy her back.   But since I was out of work, it was impossible.

I called the lady from out west to see if she was still interested in Mayo, as these people wanted her gone fast.  And to my surprise, this lady had already found another mare and bought it.   Like I said it was only about 10 days after the couple had bought Mayo.   The lady from out west had acted all put out and mad at me, but she must have had this other mare in mind, too, for her to have bought her so quickly after I told her Mayo was sold.

She told me she had a friend looking for a mare to breed to Warmbloods, and that she'd ask if the friend if Mayo would fit what she was looking for and if she wanted to buy Mayo from the couple.   And, so a few days later Mayo was on her way to Colorado.

Again, I was promised contact.  I loved Mayo and hated selling her, but just had no choice, so I hoped they'd keep in touch with me.   Unfortunately, the lady never got me in touch with her friend that actually bought Mayo.   So, I tried telling the lady about Mayo's quirks, history as a broodmare, etc, but not sure if things got passed along.

About 7 months later or so, I got an email that Mayo had aborted twins.   I innocently sent an email back asking if they had ultrasounded Mayo to check for twins, after breeding her, and I never heard another word from the woman.

I was sickened, I tried apologizing for any wrong dueing on my part and pleaded for updates, though I tried to not bother the lady, so I didn't send the requests very often, maybe once every few months, but that was about it.  I didn't want to bother them, I just wanted an update.   But all I got was stone silence and I finally had to come to grips with the fact that I had lost Mayo, not only through selling her, but that I no longer was going to hear anything about her. 

It hurt, but I had no choice but to try and forget about her.